If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
