new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
