After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
