After last night, I could never be a politician.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Come on in and take your pants off
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