ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
