The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
