you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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