Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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