just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
