i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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