you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
