Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
