so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
