at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
