you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
