Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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