The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
