the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
