I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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