Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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