my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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