It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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