Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
