things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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