It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
