I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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