what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
