just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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