yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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