so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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