Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
