That's when you crack a 10am beer
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
