he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
