Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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