They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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