His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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