Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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