porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
