I could have mohawked her pubes.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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