I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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