The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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