I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i now understand why vodka
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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