Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
