Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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