I feel great
I just peed on a car
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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