My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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