Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
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My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
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Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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