oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
