I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
