Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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