Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
