I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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