Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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